Facing Reality....

Life is a packaged deal. It is not enough to only look at the parts we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture so that we can make realistic choices for ourselves and stop setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Living with alcoholics, many of us coped with an ever-shifting situation in which our sense of reality changed from one minute to the next. We adapted by taking whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again we were devastated because reality didn't go away just because it was ignored. Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend that only half of the truth is real. That's why sharing is an important part of the Al-Anon tool. When we share with other members about what's really going on, we cut through the denial and anchor ourselves in reality.
While it may be difficult to face certain facts, when we allow ourselves to confront them, we cease to give our own denial the power to devastate us at every turn.
Today's Reminder
I can't cope with something unless I acknowledge its reality. When I am willing to take a look at the whole picture, I take a first step towards a more manageable life.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.Now put foundations under them." Henry David Thoreau

I hate holidays...because of family dynamics....

I should be excited about Halloween. Part of me is excited. It's my baby's 1st Halloween. But I wish we could share it all as one big family, like I think of it. My one sis has custody of my other sis' kids. It's very hard. Because I know it's necessary because of the circumstances. But it's very upsetting because I miss the togetherness. And it takes a little bit of our joy away because of the family pain. And I want there to be joy. And I want it to be for everyone. I want everyone to be in a happy, spirited, loving, peaceful place in their lives, but that just isn't the case....

Progress, not Perfection

Progress can be hard to identify, especially if our expectations are unrealistically high. If we expect our negative attitudes or unhealthy behavior to change quickly and completely, we are likely to be disappointed. Progress is hard to see when we measure ourselves against idealized standards. Perhaps it would be better to compare our present circumstances only to where we had been in the past.
Today I am not seeking perfection, the only thing that matters is the direction that I am moving

But even though I write the words....

I still struggle with all these principles. The idea isn't that I am perfect, without flaws or don't deal with these issues. I deal with them too much. I want to control/help/fix the situation, and when that doesn't work, I get mad/revengeful, irritated, jaded with life and everyone in it. It is so defeating. And you know what? It doesn't work. It does work at get me riled up and angry, and full of feelings that I don't like in myself.
At least, with this program, I am trying. I am wanting to change. I want to be a more centered, grounded person that is not so wrapped up in drama and things that not only do I not control, but does not involve me. So this is my attempt at peace. And if I can just get through this hour without obsessing about things I can't control, that is a good hour.

Self-Righteousness

Before Al-Anon, forgiveness meant power to me. I could judge the offender--the person who wasn't doing what I wanted--and then exercise my power by showing that I could rise above the offense and magnanimously show them forgiveness. But I would never forget what had been done.
Today I know that forgiveness has nothing to do with power. It does not give me control. Forgiveness is simply a reminder that I am on equal footing with every other child of God. We all do good and noble things at times; on other occasions, we may offend. I have no right to judge, punish, or absolve anyone. When I behave self-righteously, I'm the one who suffers---I separate myself from my fellow human beings, focus on others, and keep busy with hateful and negative thoughts. By taking this attitude, I tell myself that I am a victim, so I remain a victim. The most forgiving thing I can do is remember that my job is not to judge others, but to think and behave in a way that makes me feel good.
Today's Reminder
I don't know the motives or circumstances that cause another's behavior. I do know that when I hold on to resentment and blame, I occupy my spirit with bitterness. Today I will find a more nurturing way to lift myself up.
"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him", Booker T. Washington

Alcoholism is a Disease

One beautiful day, a man sat under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly thereafter, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away; resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were doing merely what pigeons do, just because they are pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down.
Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don't drink because of you and me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, begging, shouting, distracting, hiding money or bottles, or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning.
I didn't cause alcoholism and I can't control it. I can't cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcholism, and let Al-Anon redirect my energy I've spent on fighting the disease into recovering from its effects...

Today's ReminderIt's not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink, but I can do nothing to stop them. If I see how unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over the disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better.

"It stands to reason that a change in us will be a force for good that will help the entire family"

Turning to the alcoholic for support is like....

...going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill or overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.
Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it in the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love in Al-anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate, and to treat ourselves as deserving.

Today's Reminder
Today the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire. And no one person will ever offer all we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.

"In Al-Anon, I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic, over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes."

The term alcoholic

Substitute this word when you see it for the word addict, if the person in your life abuses drugs, sex, lying, gambling, stealing, abusing. Drugging and Bugging. It's all the same shit at the end of the day. For easiness sake, I am using the word Alcoholic.

The 12 Steps of Al-Anon

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all the defects of character
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends with them all
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promtly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

"When the student is ready, the teacher arrives"

Zen Buddhists say this, or as an Al-Anon member would say "We each get here, right on time."
I feel like Al-anon is about learning how to be inside your own head, inside your own world, and working on solving your inner dialogue, instead of tirelessly trying to find out what it will take to help everyone else....

I have a lot to say, but a lot to learn as well

I am starting this blog because I am a work in progress. I have issues to work out, like anyone. I also feel like I may have the tools I need, so let's get there together. I discovered the Al-Anon program, which is really designed with me in mind, haha. I grew up in a loving home, no doubt. But one with dysfunction, for sure. I mean, who didn't?
But I think I am a product of my surroundings, and internalizing drama and chaos. When I hear about drama---be it someone I love is in trouble---financially, with drugs, they are getting evicted, their kids want something that they can't afford, they need help finding a job, they are with a bad news partner---I immediately involve myself. I feel like with my help, they can conquer anything. WHY? Why do I try to fix everyone's everything